190: How to use the tools in Parenting Beyond Power

One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:

So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.

The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.

Eliza began:

Kat added:

Elizabeth concluded:

We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now!

Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!

Parenting Beyond Power

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Jump to Highlights

00:43 Introduction to the podcast

02:04 Guests introduce themselves

05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.

08:05 Participants share their the tools they learned from the book and any resulting parenting changes.

08:48 Elizabeth applies book tools like problem-solving conversations and the needs cupcake diagram, but grapples with addressing her daughter's need for community during bedtime routines.

11:46 Elisa and Elizabeth discuss adapting bedtime routines to balance tasks and the daughter's need for connection.

16:13 Jen offers suggestions for Elizabeth on meeting her child’s needs while setting her boundaries.

19:26 Kat shares her struggle with boundary-setting due to being a people-pleaser, aiming to create a boundary-respecting environment for her children. 

21:17 Elisa finds the "needs cupcake" concept valuable in recognizing and addressing recurring needs for herself and her children.

27:14 Kat applies the "needs cupcake" concept to understand her children's primary needs, enabling her to address conflicts more effectively, encourage problem-solving discussions, and redirect behaviors towards meeting those needs.

38:58 They highlight the significance of acknowledging and addressing unique family needs, challenging gender norms in parenting, and prioritizing the fulfillment of needs for both children and parents to cultivate positive relationships.

43:08 Participants discuss their ongoing journey of personal growth and parenting transformation, highlighting the significance of self-compassion and aligning actions with values.

48:10 Elisa asks about potential content that wasn't included in the book, and Jen explains the challenge of balancing content while emphasizing the importance of practical tools. 

50:48 Jen underscores the significance of consistent efforts based on personal values rather than perfection, emphasizing the uniqueness of every parent-child interaction.

53:15 Jen wraps up as she reflects on the question of whether parenting is easy.