Our January 5 conversation with Mary Van Geffen, Parenting “Spicy” Boys, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2023. (And Jen’s sons’ least favorite! Gen Z defines “spicy” quite differently than we’re using it here.) Sure, this episode, released early in the year, had the benefit of time. But Mary’s message also resonates with frustrated and overwhelmed parents of boys. As she told us,“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare. They “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda.” Mary’s audience continues to grow — she has over 286,000 Instagram followers! — because parents need help supporting their strong, spicy kids. You’ll want to listen to this episode more than once because a) it contains a lot of wisdom and b) because your spicy kids are now likely challenging you in ways they weren’t the first time you listened!
In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:Characteristics of a Spicy OneWhy shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boysHow your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your childParenting when you are spicy or highly sensitiveA sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous systemHow changing your voice can help you reach your kidsSetting boundaries & managing others’ expectationsGrocery shopping with boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s website https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on Instagram Highly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episode Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episode Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episode Brain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episode Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)
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ON BOYS Most Popular Episode of 2023

Real Talk about Parenting, Teaching, and Reaching Tomorrow’s Men

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Dr. Adam Price’s book, He’s Not Lazy, is one that parents of teenage boys frequently recommend to each other. There’s good reason for that: He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself addresses parents’ fears and concerns about their “unmotivated,” “under-performing” teenage sons.Stop Worrying About Your BoysFear is usually at the heart of parents’ concern about their sons’ apparent lack of motivation. We know how important persistence and effort are to success and happiness in life, and we worry that our teenage sons will fail. But our worry is misplaced — and unhelpful, Dr. Price says. “It’s imperative that you stop worrying,” he says, noting that “it’s the worrying that often causes us to make the wrong decisions in parenting.” Don’t project into the future, he says. Focus on the here and now. Connect with your son; trust in his development.Motivating BoysHuman beings are motivated to do the things we want to do. We are not necessarily motivated to do things we have to do. That truth applies to our boys as well – & explains why so many boys are “unmotivated” to do their homework or chores. To get boys to do things, we need to give them more autonomy. And we need to let them experience consequences and emotions. Too often, parents take on all the emotional and psychological labor related to boys’ performance in school. “We end up absorbing like a sponge all the negative feelings: You’re not going to do well. You’re not going to get into college,” Dr. Prica says. “What that actually does is free kids up to not worry about it because they know that we’re worrying about it.” It’s better to let kids feel that conflict and struggle, to allow them space to worry about their future. Their concern for their future will motivate them in a way your concern never will. Do NOT say, “you’re not living up to your potential.” “When you tell someone, ‘You’re not living up to your potential,” you’re telling them, ‘You’re not good enough,'” Dr. Price says. Instead, focus on connecting with and empowering your son. Give him autonomy and continued support. Set limits, establish structure, and be patient. Give him the opportunity to grow and mature. Takeaways:Parents should try to stop worrying excessively about their underperforming teenage boys and trust in their growth and development.Teenagers are still young and have a lot of time for growth and change.Motivation comes from doing things one wants to do, not things one has to do.Parents should allow their sons to experience the consequences of their decisions and not shield them from negative feelings.Recognize and value different forms of achievement, including skills in video games.Parents should praise the process and effort rather than just the end result.Gender expectations and societal pressures can influence boys’ motivation and self-esteem. Challenge negative assumptions about boys’ motivation and behavior.Set realistic expectations and give kids the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions.Recognize that development takes time and maturity may happen at different rates.Trust the relationship with your child and focus on building a positive and supportive environment.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself, by Adam Price hesnotlazy.com — Adam’s website Listener Q & A:Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episode Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episode Trust Your Boys — Building Boys blog post   Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order! 
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Adam Price: “He’s Not Lazy”

BoyMom Ruth Whippman has spent significant time reimagining boyhood. As a mom of 3 boys, she knows that raising boys today is a complex endeavor. As she writes in her book, BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, “Boys in America (and worldwide) are going through something of a crisis – not only academically but they make up the majority of perpetrators AND also the majority of victims and they are more likely than girls to engage in serious antisocial behavior, along with having mental health issues reaching epidemic levels…Understanding where we are going wrong with raising boys and trying to change those patterns is one of our most urgent cultural projects as a society. “This is a half-finished revolution.” The #MeToo Movement, Boys, & MenRuth was 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 3rd son when the #MeToo movement gained global traction. “That moment was a really complex moment for me,” she says. “On the one hand, my feminist self was like, Great! we’re finally talking about boys & men in a whole new way; we’re finally seeing this is a systemic problem…. But as a mother of boys, it was really complicated because there was this very negative conversation going on about boys and men, which I don’t think is particularly psychologically healthy for boys to grow up hearing.” It’s important to recognize and address all of the issues that lead to some men behaving badly, but, she says, it’s important to also “give boys a more hopeful vision.” Focusing on what’s wrong with boys and men won’t likely solve anything & may instead alienate and harm boys & men.Cultural Blind SpotsLike many women, Ruth was well aware of the all ways in which gender & sex shape (& limit) females’ experiences in the world. But she didn’t understand that boys are affected by similar pressures. Until she had sons. We “have so many blind spots around raising boys,” she says. And while our society has made great strides in encouraging girls, women, nonbinary, and genderfluid humans, cis boys are still hemmed in by cultural expectations and stereotypes. In our current cultural moment, conversations about boys frequently focus on their potential to cause harm. That’s problematic, Ruth says. “I want my boys to have a narrative about themselves that’s rooted in something other than harm and violence,” she says. “I don’t want their story to just be ‘I’m this potential predator and the best that I can hope for my life is that I won’t rape anybody.‘ I want them to also be able to thrive and find pride, joy, and connection.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ruth discuss:Parenting boys as a feministWhy politicizing boys’ issues isn’t helpful – & why we need to listen to diverse viewpointsSeeing boys as more than potential predatorsBoys & schoolMale developmentHow “undercare” harms boysThe stories we share w boysBoys’ friendshipsListening to boysThe “contradictory pressures” on boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity — Ruth’s book ruthwhippman.com — Ruth’s website (includes links to her upcoming events) I Blame Society — Ruth’s Substack newsletter Masculinity in the Land of #MeToo — ON BOYS episode Men are Not Monsters – 2015 essay by Jen 
 Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order! Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com  


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BoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:The end of an era (Jen’s last son finishes high school!)What Jen will NOT miss about having a kid a schoolHow parenting is like labor & birthTransactional vs. relational communicationLetting boys take control of aspects of their lifeRebuilding trustApologizing to your kidsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode Why Boy Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order! Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com   

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Connecting With Boys & Answering Your Questions

If you think you don’t know anybody who takes opioids, have you asked? Those are the words of Julia Pinksy, an Oregon-based mom who lost her son to an opioid overdose. “It’s been 10 years since he passed,” she says,”which seems unbelievable.” In the years since, Julia has devoted herself to opioid overdose education and prevention. Today, she teaches others about opioids & Narcan.Opioid Addiction Can Affect AnyoneOpioids don’t discriminate. Although some people may be more biologically or psychologcially susceptible to addition than others, anyone can become addicted. “Anyone — it doesn’t matter how intelligent, how educated, how knowledgable about drugs you are — it doesn’t stop your body or mind from becoming reliant on it,” Julia says.Narcan Saves LivesNaloxone (better known as Narcan) can immediately reverse the effects of opioids – & save lives. That’s why Julia thinks that every parent should have – & learn how to use — naloxone. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to use it.  In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julia discuss:Why all parents need to know about opioids & narcanWhy some people are so susceptiable to opioid addictionAppropriate management of prescription opioid medicationHow Narcan worksSigns of an opioid overdoseHow to administer naloxone Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Max’s Mission – non-profit organization dedicated to overdose education & prevention Real Talk About Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode  Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com   Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy! Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order. Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboys Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order! Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. 


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Opioids & Narcan: What You Need to Know

Boys don’t do as well in school as girls. On the whole, they earn lower grades and more disciplinary referrals. You will typically find more boys in detention than at the top of the class. Are boys the problem? Is there something about masculinity, something about male biology that contributes to these disparate outcomes? Or, are schools the problem? Does the curriculum and environment somehow inhibit boys’ success? Yes. Boys mature more slowly than their female peers, so they’re generally not as well-equipped for the challenges of school as their similarly-aged female peers. Current masculinity standards also ridicule academic achievement or effort and make it difficult for boys to ask for help. And, most school curriculum and practices don’t align well with boys’ needs. In far too many cases, though, adults make things worse rather than better for boys in school. Adult misunderstanding of male development, coupled with intrinsic bias (and intensified by the fact that educators are now being asked to do too many things, with too few resources & too little support), causes many adults to inadvertently exacerbate boys’ problems. And that’s a problem for all of us.  Photo by Mikhail Nilov via PexelsIn this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Why boys struggle in schoolHow adults unintentially exacerabate boys’ problemsSetting boys up for school success (Choose a play-oriented preschool instead of an academically-oriented one!)Meeting boys’ needs in school
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — The Cut article Why Are Kids Being Forced to Eat Lunch in Silence? — Guardian article Schools — Not Boys — Behaving Badly — Jen’s Building Boys Bulletin about both these articles Boys & School — Building Boys post about the black walnut incident Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education — article by Jen about her son’s kindergarten experience Gifted & Twice-Exception (2E) Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy! Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order. Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com   Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboys  


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ON BOYS Most Popular Episode of 2023

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